Dear Writing, I have a confession to make…
| September 1, 2011 | Posted by ljquillyn under Musing on life, Writing with confidence |
Dear Writing,
Well, I guess I should start by saying I’m sorry. I know you must feel as though I don’t truly care for you. I’ve been all talk. I’ll admit it. For me, figuring this relationship out has taken quite a lot of time.
A couple of weeks ago, I was having a spat with a dear friend. She recently started dating someone and has since then totally given me the shaft. She had closed me out, said and done things that truly gave offense. Anyway, the details aren’t important. She just made a comment that really offended me. Seven little words that fell out of her mouth and onto the camel’s back, shattering the poor creature’s already weak spine. I didn’t talk to her for about two hours. When I finally did, I basically gave her an ultimatum.
I said, “I can’t do this any more. You have shut me out. You don’t call me. Plans that we made months ago have been casually tossed aside without any discussion. I’m hurt and I can’t take any more.”
She said, “I didn’t know you felt that way. I want to work on this. We’ve been friends for 21 years. We’ve always had our ups and downs, but somehow have found a way to make it work. You’re my best friend.”
I digested that for a moment. I was skeptical. “Am I really your best friend? Or are you just so used to saying that that you’ve forgotten what it actually means?”
She paused. She didn’t ever really answer the question. Although she did say she still wanted to work on it. Things have improved a little since then.
Well, Writing, I’ve had an epiphany. I’ve been shutting you out. I’ve been putting everybody and everything else first. So when I say that I want to work on this, I can see how you might be incredulous. You must be thinking, This is what she always says. She always says, ‘after I’m done with school. After I get moved into the new place. After I finish the budgeting. After I find a job. After I make dinner.’ There’s always something. I’ll admit it. There always is something. Do you want to know something that’s sort of funny? Today, I even thought – I can’t be with you until I get a new chair or a chaise lounge. That way we’ll have somewhere to work together that’s just for us. I guess it’s not really funny. It’s kind of sad, actually. I would let a little thing like not having the right furniture keep us apart.
But you know what, I have a really scary confession to make. I’m about to get vulnerable. I have a fear of intimacy with you. I guess this isn’t surprising. I don’t just jump into relationships. It takes me a good long time to get comfortable enough with another person to really be myself. To really let my true personality show through. As a kid, I got made fun of a lot. I was heavier, I come from a less affluent family, and I’ll admit, I’m just generally a bit eccentric. Anyway, you know all that. Its beside the point. I have a hard time trusting.
What I’m trying to say is that the reason that I haven’t been able to fully commit myself to you, Writing, is that I’m afraid. Afraid that things won’t work out. You’re my dream and I’m afraid that we might disappoint each other. Well, not so much you disappointing me, but really, me disappointing you. I’ve always said that I’m a gifted creative writer, but what if I’m not? Being a committed writer sometimes means just taking the time to pick up the pencil and get to work. I can always find something else to do so that I don’t have to risk getting too close to you.
I know that I haven’t spent enough time with you. I want you to know that I have admired you from afar for ages. If you’re still willing to have me, I’d love to give this thing a real shot. I think we could do some really great things together. I know it’s going to take time and hard work, but I’m willing to put in the effort. And the time. You’re worth it.
Are you ready? Should we start working on something now? Or do you need some time to think this over? I really want this to work, so we both have to be sure. I guess we have a lot to go over.
Ever yours,
LJ
Loading ...
Recent Comments